Brian's Diary

Fall, 1986:

I was born in Ithaca, New York in October 1968. I lived there for two years. In 1970, my father got an offer of a job in Los Angeles, so my family moved there. At the age of two, I was very interested in the woods behind my house, not going more than a mile away by myself. I remember liking to climb tall trees at about the age of four.

In kindergarten, I made a lot of friends. Now five years old, I walked up to three miles from home. I walked to my girlfriend's house three miles away. I never thought of the possibility that she might not be home, but she was always there when I went to her house.

When I started elementary school, first grade went very well. In second grade, something had changed me drastically. I had no friends at the school. I no longer was making friends. My sister had died a few months before at the age of fourteen months, due to a brain tumor. I was so depressed because of her death that I was losing control of my feelings and behavior. It resulted in me fighting all the time at school. It became a big problem and I couldn't stop. I even became suicidal. It was epilepsy. I almost got expelled from the school in third grade. I was told that if it was a disease that was causing this behavior, and it could be fixed by medicine, or some other way, then I could stay, otherwise I would be expelled. I had tried very hard for two years to stop this behavior, but it never worked.

When I was told that this was epilepsy, and I was supposed to take medicine (Dilantin), I was angry. First of all, I did not believe that being unable to control my behavior was due to disease; and second, how is medicine going to change my ability to control my behavior? I still put just as much effort into controlling myself as before, as if the medicine wouldn't do anything. There was a drastic change in my behavior with the medication, and I was in control of myself again. The principal of the new school I was going to even went out of her way to tell me how good I was. But in addition to that change, there were many others. My coordination, and quick reflexes disappeared. My grades in school got worse. I had to give up T-ball and take up some other sport such as swimming.

I still loved this medicine for the first few years I took it, because to me, more important than good grades, and good coordination, was the ability to make friends. The medicine also destroyed memory, self-confidence, and self-esteem. Since the age of nine, I have had to live with this medicine. I really hate the medicine. I often feel that everything is hopeless. I often feel frustrated. However, whenever I don't feel frustrated with my work, I enjoy it. I love to learn, and I am very interested in the world around me.

(Note: Brian's journal was of course intended only for himself, to aid his self-discovery. So it was particularly important to him to write down his thoughts during those times when he was most troubled. At these times, his handwriting was often cramped, and almost illegible. His thoughts were somewhat incoherent, and filled with imagery. Some editing has been done for clarity.)

Saturday, Halloween night, 11/1/86, 1:45 A.M.
Tonight I saw several movies. It is Halloween night. How I feel after these movies is worth recording. I saw a movie "Rocky 3", in which two people, both very strong boxers, let their heads get treated like punching bags in order to win the match. I was watching their faces get all bloody and deformed. Then I saw "Friday the Thirteenth, Part Three", where I saw the bloody murder of 13 people by slaughter with a machete or axe or knife, or blowgun.

At ten P.M. I started watching yet another movie, which was called "The American Werewolf in London". In this movie I saw people with drastically deformed facial structure from a werewolf. Last I saw a movie where a serial killer gets a kid into trouble with prison, when in fact he had done nothing.

All these movies have made me feel so lucky and thankful that my body is not deformed, severely damaged, or mutilated. But I feel as if something has control over me right now. I feel not only lucky to be "still in one piece", but also feel that I want to destroy other things. I feel that my present emotion and appearance may make people mistake me for a drunk. I could easily lose control of my emotions right now, as I have already sort of lost control of my emotions and thoughts. I feel like I'm in a trance, or that some other mysterious being is in control of my thoughts and emotions, but I am trying to keep control of my actions while this is happening to my emotions and thoughts.

All this is happening while I am here alone. If these feelings, thoughts, and actions had others involved who were actually here and afflicting me, that could mean trouble of one kind or another.

(Note: The discussions of the effects of movies on violent behavior rarely focus specifically on those who are in fact potentially violent. Here is poignant evidence that those who are vulnerable are profoundly affected. Moreover, they are drawn to such movies. Brian feels the need to explore the part of himself that is potentially violent. But he is conducting an uncontrolled experiment the outcome of which is quite unpredictable.)

The journal is resumed with more consistency the following fall, with a trip to the Sierra Nevadas with the peak baggers, the serious mountain climbers, of the Angeles Chapter of the Sierra Club. Brian originally had been told he shouldn't climb to high altitude because of his epilepsy. He almost took that as a challenge. He had been going on group trips to the Sierras for a number of years, gradually increasing in difficulty. Here was his most challenging trip.

August 16, 1987, Sunday
It is the second day of a nine-day backpacking trip with the Sierra Club. This is my very first trip with the Sierra Club, besides my trips with the Natural Science Section. I decided for once I would try and keep a journal, even though writing is not my strength.

Everyone on the trip is at least a decade older than me; most are twice my age; yet all of them are very strong and endured the 16-mile 5,700 foot climb better than I. With nine days worth of food on my back, adding up to 60 pounds, hiking over alpine meadows and lakes was not easy.

During the morning of the first day I had hiked up from Mineral King Parking Lot to Glacier Pass, and down to Spring Lake to have lunch. We had started off at 7 A.M., and by the time we arrived at Spring Lake it was 1 P.M. We had climbed 3,000 ft. elevation, and descended 1,000 ft. I started to realize that carrying 60 pounds is not anywhere near the same as carrying 55 pounds. On the other hand, 45 pounds is not that much different from 40. So as a pack gets heavier, every pound added makes a bigger difference than the last.

Everyone on this trip, besides being in their 40's or 50's, is also more experienced and barbarian than I. The lady who gave me a ride up did not bring more than one pair of underwear-the one she was wearing. Today as I lay here recuperating, one of the old mountaineers says, "Showers are superfluous, and a waste of time." In response I said, "don't you at least like to take one at the end of a trip?" "No, they are totally superfluous", he said. Many of these people did not bring many clothes to change into, only clothes to stay warm.

After lunch the first day, we headed cross-country over lakes to reach a trail that climbed 2,500 feet to Black Rock Pass, approximately 11,700 feet elevation. Around four thirty we started to descend towards the Big Arroyo. I did not arrive there until 9 P.M., in the dark. I nibbled some gorp and went straight to bed around 9:25 P.M.

August 18, 1987, Tuesday
Everything is beginning to get easier. My pack does not seem much lighter, but I am in much better shape. With a day of rest on the 16th for my muscles to heal, and a challenging climb on the 17th of Black Kaweah, I am beginning to feel more at home.

The trip up Black Kaweah was an all-day trip, primarily because we were a group of ten people. Had it been only a group of four, we could have climbed it twice as fast. More than half the day was spent climbing the last 1,300 feet, which was where we needed our helmets. Most of the time on this dangerous chute was spent waiting for other people to get out of someone's fall-line so that that person could move. This meant that people were always starting on one side or the other of the chute and every so often a few people would cross to the other side of the chute. Having left camp at 8:00 A.M., we did not make it to the top of Black Kaweah until 4:00 P.M. Heading back down the chute took us two hours. I was in the front, and I got to the bottom of the chute by 6:30 P.M. The rest of the descent was a 2,700 foot drop to base camp. I hiked back down with Dan who hiked at about the same pace as me. I did not arrive back at base camp until 8:30 P.M. Two people had arrived a little before Dan and me, but the other six people behind us did not all arrive until 9:30 P.M. I had gone straight to bed at 9:00, and nibbled on gorp in my sleeping bag and drunk some water before going to sleep.

I had slept very well on the night of the 17th, and was out of bed right after Dave Petzold, who was always first out of bed. I was all unorganized though. I had planned to get organized after climbing Black Kaweah, but I had gotten back too late. After having a breakfast of oatmeal and hash browns, I started to get myself more organized, and packed.

I had gotten up 6:20 A.M., and it was not yet 7:00 A.M. I had one hour to get organized. We were all supposed to aim for 7:30 A.M., but if it took us until 8:00 A.M. to be ready the leader would understand. People were heading off on the trail by 7:50 A.M., and I was not ready. Nancy Gordon (a leader) had taken the lead, and Dave Dykeman took to the rear. Although Dave did not wait for me; he said, "You'll catch up." He waited at the first trail junction until I was in sight.

We were hiking from the Big Arroyo (our base camp) to the highest lake in the Nine Lakes Basin, and we cut off trail a little before passing [?????] Gap on our left. It was only about five miles to this lake, and people who wanted a lay-over day and were not up to going over [Pants?] Pass could stay here and make camp for the next two (or three) nights. Four people decided to stay at the lake. The other six people, including both leaders, Dan, myself, and Dave Petzold, and Wayne, continued.

We climbed over Pants Pass and down the other side. Dave Dykeman had been told by a ranger that there was some class three, but it was all class two, with a lot of scree. Continuing down the Kern-Kaweah River, Dan got separated from the group, and it delayed us for half an hour (until 2:30 P.M.). Then we moved at full tilt to what would be our base camp, between Kern Point and Picket Guard Peaks, along the Kern-Kaweah River. It was 9:30 P.M. by the time we had made camp. Dan, Dave Petzold, and I chose not to climb Kern Point, for we knew we would be walking over lakes in the dark, and we would rather sit back and relax considering how little chance we get to do that. Nancy and Dave Dykeman are so devoted to climbing the Peaks, that they still go even if no one else wants to.
August 21, 1987, Friday
I just arrived at the Big Arroyo again at a campsite near to the one we camped at before. It is much warmer down at the Big Arroyo than at Nine Lakes Basin, but there are also many more mosquitoes.

The last two days have been very strenuous. The leaders underestimated what was involved in going over Colby Pass, up Whale Back, around Whale Back, and up over two passes, past Lion Lake, and back to the rest of the group. Even without doing Whale Back it was impossible. It was as if the leader did not recognize that there was elevation gain involved in taking this path. There was 6,000 feet of elevation gain and a lot of elevation loss too. All of this was done so we could avoid going back over Pants Pass to get back to Nine Lakes Basin.

We did not climb Whale Back, but went around the other side of it, in Cloud Canyon. We still all ended up having to bivouac. Two people in the group said they could make it all the way back to camp, and went on ahead of the rest of us. But they ended up camping only a quarter mile upstream from us. The two that went ahead were to tell the rest of the group in Nine Lakes Basin to meet us at the pass between Cloud Canyon and Lion Lake. From there we would climb Triple Divide Peak. It wasn't until after noon that people finally arrived from Nine Lakes Basin. They had brought a lot of food for us, because they heard we were out of food and had nothing to eat. Half an hour later we started climbing Triple Divide Peak. We tried also to climb Lion Rock on the other side of Lion Lake, but were unsuccessful because it was too late and getting dark. I arrived back at camp in Nine Lakes Basin at 8:00 P.M. I went straight to bed. I also forgot my medicine and did not sleep well.

The next day (the 21st), people were all doing different things. A few climbed Mount Stewart and Eagle Scout Peak; two people went straight back to the Big Arroyo, and five people (including both leaders and myself) went up Lion Rock. Going up Lion Rock, it was best to start from the other side at Tamarack Lake. We did just that, except that we intercepted the route from as high up as we could, which was about 200 ft. below the ridge. We had started off to Lion Rock at 10:40 A.M., but we did not arrive back in Nine Lake Basin at our camp until 4:30 P.M. I was first down the mountain, and first to start hiking to the Big Arroyo. I arrived at the Big Arroyo by 6:50 P.M., and the other four arrived 50 minutes later.
August 26, 1987, Wednesday
Well, I have been home from my trip now for three days. I finally feel recovered and feel like writing in my journal.

On the twenty-second, I impressed the leaders for the first time, by being packed and ready to go on time. Nancy Gordon said, "You finally got your act together Brian, I'm impressed." We were off by 7:45 A.M., and we hiked up a little more than a 1,000 feet elevation, and dropped our packs to climb Mount Lippincott. Mount Lippincott was the easiest walk-up peak we climbed on the trip, and we took almost the most difficult route up (some class four). It was mostly class one and two. We were back down by our packs by 2:00 P.M. We hiked about 300 yards to a stream and ate lunch.

For lunch I started to eat my smoked gouda in huge pieces since tomorrow would be the last day. I passed out some of my sardines, and my crackers. We ended up camping at only the 3rd lake of the "Little Five Lakes". At 4:30 P.M. we were off to climb Mount Eisen. We did not make it, for Mary Sue the slow was along. Even though we did not get to the summit, we still ended up coming back in the dark. I went straight to bed, to get an early start tomorrow on the way to the parking lot. I had only a glass of Milk Man (one quart).

Now the twenty-third of August, I lay in bed feeling great but unwilling to get out into the cold air. We were at 10,000 feet elevation, and it was 6:00 A.M. At 6:20 A.M. I got out of bed and made myself some hot water to add to my oatmeal. I was the last one packed and left about 7 minutes after the leader (he was second to last to leave). Nancy Gordon led the group up. She was having respiratory problems. Our group was only five people though. Wellington and John Lutz had left a day ago. Wayne Wurzburger, Dave Petzold, and Dan had all left early in the morning (about 6:20 A.M. they were off).

We made it to the parking lot by 3:20 P.M. We were there for about half an hour before leaving. We then stopped at the General Store at a nearby campground to take showers. It was now 4:45 P.M., and we were on our way to Bakersfield to have dinner at the Basque Restaurant.

We arrived at the Basque Restaurant at 8:30 P.M. after a little frustration in finding it. Dave Dykeman and Nancy Gordon were there, but the other three were already leaving just as they had arrived. So Mary Sue, Mario "Gonzales", and I never got to see those three again on this trip.

I rested in the back seat of Mary Sue's Blazer, as she drove back to Sherman Oaks where she dropped Mario Gonzales off, and then dropped me off at home. It was 12:00 midnight. My father was working on the IBM, and came out to see what was happening. The dogs were inside sleeping, but soon they were racing out to see me.

After everything was inside, I told Sue about how strenuous my trip had been for about half an hour. Then Siegfried was about done with the computer, and we all went to bed.

September 10, 1987 Thursday (back at Cal Lutheran)
I had my art class on Wednesday, and I was just reading the book for the class, titled "Drawing On the Right Side of the Brain", by Betty Edwards. In the book, she relates drawing to the right brain, and speaks of teaching people to "see" like an artist does. She speaks of "Left mode" and "Right mode", utilizing the left and right brains respectively.

Mathematics is also like art, in that it utilizes the right brain. Lower levels of mathematics, like arithmetic, are done with the left brain. But, when one enters the world of higher mathematics, like Trigonometry, and Calculus, the need for the right brain becomes greater and greater. When a mathematician is solving a problem, very often he draws a picture for himself. This helps him find relationships between different parts of the problem, and it involves the use of one's "spatial" thinking ability, located in the right brain. People who do well at math in the early years, in arithmetic, and perhaps Algebra, or even Trigonometry, and then start having a difficult time, are having a hard time because they are not using their right brain like they should. In arithmetic the left brain does everything, and the right brain is not involved. In Algebra the ability to see "spatially" becomes useful, but not necessary. In Trigonometry the right brain begins to become a necessary part. By the time one gets to Calculus, if one cannot see things in a spatial way he is going to do poorly.

This spatial thinking is also most important in art. Not only in arts that work with three-dimensional objects (pottery, wood carving, sculpture), but also in arts like drawing, and painting, the spatial thinking is very important. I have always done very well in arts that work on three-dimensional objects, but in drawing or painting I have always tried to think with my left brain. Three days ago, when I bought this art book, I came to the realization that this was not the right approach, and that the right brain is just as necessary here as in any other art.

Also, EEG biofeedback could help people in learning to use the right brain, in addition to simple practice of right-brain skills. My biofeedback training is mainly on my left brain, and it has helped me a lot in English class, and in thinking like left-brained people, which I don't do very well.

(Note: On September 22, we heard from Cal Lutheran that Brian had had a seizure in physics lab. We brought him home for medical evaluation, and he returned to school.)

October 23, Friday night
I have been on the edge sleep-wise. I kept myself on the edge of sleep [deprivation] even when I didn't have to for the purpose of school. My medication, since I am now taking 400 mG., has kept me until today far away from the "edge" [seizure threshold]. I was previously taking 300 mG., and incremented it after a seizure [from too little sleep] that I had at 8:15 A.M. in the Physics Lab. I have been on 400 mG. for the past four weeks. I only needed more than 400 mG. the night I had only 4 hours of sleep. When I have six hours of sleep I have no problem.

Today I had gone into the Health Service to get a check on my ears and throat that have not felt all that good. I was told that I have a virus (result of the throat culture).

This evening I felt so tired around five o'clock, that I napped for three hours. I then watched the end of the movie "Fright Night", and the movie "The House".

I have been very close to the "edge" tonight, and was worried I would fall off it and into the ditch. Therefore I didn't talk all that much. It is a world where "mental powers" are small, but physical powers might be great. Thinking is not in full strength, but feeling and acting are at medium or full strength. Feeling is always at full strength. It is feeling that always triggered that foot to slip off the edge when I was young; now it is usually the onset of stress, mental stress and lack of sleep.

Beneath this "edge" is a world where "thinking" is beyond reality, but acting remains in the sphere of reality. In the ditch "thinking" is met with illusions and misconceptions. These illusions and misconceptions directly inhibit the actions. Both the "thinking" and the "actions" are inhibited by the "feeling", which is one of the major triggers of the psychological [psychotic?] mode.

Actions never leave the sphere of reality, but can be disabled. Thinking is always there, but can leave the world of reality. If actions are also disabled, then being in the ditch has no dangers, and the pleasant aspects of being in the ditch are the only things present.

If you stand above that edge, you are in a world of mental, emotional and physical control. Fall off the edge and hang there, you are in great danger, as your mental powers are small and your physical powers great. Climb down those crags in the ditch and make it to the bottom, you will be in a world where all three, emotional, thinking, and acting will be of little strength and you can rest comfortably. But emphasize one and leave the others insignificant, you will be met with disaster.

(Note: The combination of a poor sleep pattern, illness, and the trigger of horror movies once again steeps Brian into a maelstrom of instability that he struggles to describe.)
Dec. 16, Wednesday night
The right brain: it is the domain of the subconscious and the unconscious. I spent all day doing my art final; all hunger and other bodily needs disappeared while my right brain worked intensively at drawing. All your sense of alertness and sense of time disappear if you let yourself into the right brain mode. It is the same as dreaming in a way: Eight hours of intensive visualization or imagination of the objects I draw. Not one break to eat or go to the bathroom, or anything at all, except for a few words to some of the people who entered in the afternoon to do their art finals. But only very brief words did I have with anyone. Most people in the room were talking Norwegian.

Eight hours of intensive drawing is like the same time spent daydreaming. In the same way as waking up from a long sleep, you don't have much of an idea of how long you have been sleeping or intensively drawing. I missed a very important appointment with my employer all because of this intensive drawing or daydreaming.

2/26/1988, Friday night - Switching from Left to Right hand
Most people are in their left brain and are more alert and in a logical frame of mind. But the right is a more unconscious and imaginative side to thinking. Switching from one side to the other is something few people ever try, and if they do, they do it when they are young. I am doing it in the middle of a semester of college.

This week I have devoted time to training my right hand, and eating and writing (taking notes in class), with my right hand. But being right-handed has bad as well as good sides to it. People who are right-brained tend not to be good students. The left brain, when stimulated to produce higher frequencies and perhaps also be dominant, makes the transformation of ideas in the imagination to English much easier, and possible when it might have otherwise been impossible. The mind is more analytical in nature when the left brain is dominant, more alert, and faster in thinking. But although this is very nice, there also is a loss: you cannot have both sides working at full power, therefore the right brain is not dominant when the left is. One's sense of who he is appears to be in the right brain. When I am in my left brain for long periods of time, I have a feeling of loss of identity. Half of me is gone, half of my soul, my emotions. It seems like I might just stay left-handed.

Only one month ago, it felt as if I even lost some of my math abilities, so I think it is only a matter of learning to utilize both sides of the brain. When I was first breaking through, and becoming dominant on the left side a month and a half ago, I felt a stimulation down my whole right side that felt sexual like that of climbing the pole in first grade.

March 5, 1988.
Roommate Problem with G.S.
For the past few months I have been living with G.S.-since the beginning of December. He runs hurdles in track, is a business major, and calls himself "king of the assholes". On the night of March fifth, I was convinced that this man is an asshole. He has been telling me again and again, "Do not close the door to the bathroom." He wants the bathroom to ventilate, which is fine with me. I often shut the bathroom door even though I do not care whether it is open or shut; it comes from habit. He told me three times last night not to shut the door, which means I shut it three times. The fourth time he found it shut he told me to open it, but I turned around and walked to my room ignoring that he told me to open the door. As soon as I stepped back out of my room, he grabbed me by the Adam's apple, and tried to choke me, shoving me up in the corner of the wall. I was about to respond by fighting back but he let go of me before I did that.

What had happened that night with G.S. scared me that he might try and harm me again. It even led me to be too excited because of the fear, and I had a nightmare that night that might have included an epileptic seizure. I woke up shivering in my blankets, and feeling a little weak for a few hours. I went to breakfast soon after I woke up, and I was shivering in there while I ate breakfast.

I told many other people, friends of mine, about what happened. Many of them referred to G. as "that asshole", or "that jerk". Many of my friends suggested that I fight back, "Beat that wimp up", but that would just cause more trouble for me.

(Note: Given provocation that might have led to a violent response, Brian was suitably restrained. Clearly, then, his violent propensities are a neurological phenomenon, not a function of the will or of his personality. The disturbance led to a further crisis episode:)

My Position in the World As Insignificant Inferior.
I am only a small part of a great chain, most of which I do not see. All around me I see
trees, animals, rocks; I am a small part of this world. There must also be many other humans out there, so what is the possibility that I have value? None! I am insignificant. I do everything wrong while everyone else does everything right. Everyone is responsible for himself, but for no one else. I am responsible only for myself and as a result no one is responsible for me.

By the laws of nature we are all connected by this great chain. This is enough of a connection or interface with the world, so we as individuals are all disconnected. I am myself and am not responsible for anybody else. No one loves me except for myself, that is why I am responsible for me, and I am not responsible for them.

It feels great to be sitting on the bottom and look up with smiles at the world in an effort to understand it, but knowing only that "you know nothing" and are on the bottom. You have no responsibility, for you are unimportant, and you are on the bottom. You never tell people what to do or try to change the world for you know that you know nothing, and don't have the right to do that. You accept the world for what it is, and continue to try to understand it and live by its laws. But you never go fixing it for you are nothing. You let things be as they are, and if you are not happy with the world, remember that that is your problem. "Everything is right". You must learn to adjust.
May 23, 1988, Monday
Nature Knowledge Workshop, Natural Science Section, Sierra Club
This weekend at Nature Knowledge, my third, has been very concentrated in sense perception
rather than knowledge; in feeling rather than seeing the wilderness; hearing, touching, and smelling the wilderness. This weekend I got addicted to the "art of tracking". The most interesting part was doing the "Fox walk" which was not only a style of walking but involved meditation as well.

In doing the "Fox walk" one perceives the world with all his senses to the very best of his ability, as well as walking as quietly as possible. One looks straight forward using the blank vision to detect motion, listening to every sound, smelling every odor, delicately feeling the ground with the feet in every step. You walk on the outside of your feet concentrating your weight around the ball of the foot.

Sense Perception; Brain Waves; the Frequencies
For over a year I have been able to feel whether my brain is producing the frequency that is reinforced on the EEG biofeedback instrument. My ability to sense it has been growing. Writing with my right hand has been my technique outside of the office for producing the frequency. About two weeks ago I tried a new technique that teaches me to produce it on both sides simultaneously rather than one, as writing does. I also train myself to do it all the time, day and night.

My technique involves an increased sense perception as practiced in tracking, certain martial arts, and by Indians. I was initially practicing this new awareness because I wanted to perfect my tracking skills. The technique is a whole new mind-set and involves not only listening to nature, smelling odors, seeing, and feeling the earth, but sensing the spatial position of everything, including every part of your body.

Note: The discovery of tracking was a watershed for Brian. Readers knowledgeable in the field of EEG biofeedback will recognize the similarity of this language to that used by Dr. Les Fehmi in describing "Open Focus"®. Open focus is an attentional skill that opens up our sensory receptive capacities, with implications for mental abilities, and even for mental health and for physical well-being. Dr. Fehmi is one of the pioneers in the field of EEG biofeedback, and has been occupied in this area of research for the last twenty-five years.

The impact of these new perceptions on Brian is so strong that he recapitulates this new synthesis not twice, but three times in his journal:

July 10, 1988
Progress in EEG Biofeedback Through my Own Meditation
A new form of meditation has led to my breaking limits beyond my own expectations on the EEG
biofeedback instruments. Writing had been my practice outside of the office, but it isolated frequency production on only one side of the brain. Now I have done some intensive work in training both sides of the brain simultaneously by practicing a new awareness of the world, a mindset related to that of tracking or in the martial art, Ninjitzu. Walking and sensing the world as an Indian or tracker would, I train my brain to produce the desired frequency on both sides all the time, day and night.

Sense perception of nature, smelling colors, feeling the earth, listening to every whisper and using all sight to understand the spatial position of everything, this has become a new way of seeing nature for me and I am addicted.

Note: By virtue of his awareness of brain wave activity, through his extensive EEG biofeedback training, Brian could make the connection with specific brain states, and in particular the connection with brain wave activity that involves the whole brain. Uncannily, without the benefit of instrumentation, Brian observed what Dr. Fehmi has been teaching for some years, namely that the state of "open focus" is associated with whole brain synchrony, a mode in which the entire cortex is activated, and driven coherently, or in-phase. Dr. Fehmi demonstrated the connection by explicit training of brain-wave synchrony using EEG biofeedback techniques, and showing that the brain-state so achieved was conducive to, and consistent with, "open focus". It could also be demonstrated that when a person achieved the state of open focus, the degree of brain-wave synchrony was increased over ambient values.

Brian's ability to connect his feelings and awareness of his own brain to specific brain wave activity was facilitated by our new instrument, which allowed him to observe his own EEG continuously while undergoing the training. It got to the point where Brian could tell us beforehand what his EEG would look like that day.

Brian recapitulated his findings yet a third time, to formulate his ideas better:

Perceiving the world from the inside out and its application to helping the brain.

Perceiving the world through the senses, feeling the earth in every step, smelling every odor, hearing every whisper, and visually perceiving all that can be seen in the scope of one's vision: this art has helped me sense and change my brain waves far beyond my own expectations, even reversing the dominance in my brain. Opening up the senses to the world is an awareness of oneself and the surrounding world, and is both mental and physical. It is primarily this awareness of oneself on the inside that has led to better brain performance. Practicing this awareness is far superior to other methods because of its applicability to whatever one is doing (awake or asleep), and it will work on both sides of the brain simultaneously.

Note: Brian took a semester off from school to attend the National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS) in Colorado. He had progressed in computer science to the point where he needed advanced courses that were not avail able at Cal Lutheran. He therefore switched to Cal Poly in San Luis Obispo, where he started with the second semester.

January 14, 1989, Saturday, at Cal Poly.
Thinking
I am taking a class in critical thinking at Cal Poly. The definition in the book for thinking is "our active, purposeful, organized efforts to make sense of the world." From my experiences with different levels of conscious awareness, I do not agree that all thinking is purposeful organized efforts. As long as one has a conscious awareness of what is going on in the world around him, he is thinking. One level of consciousness may be close to subconsciousness; day dreaming, for example; but it does not include sleep. In sleep, one's perceptions are a product of his own imagination, and he is not perceiving the world outside. As long as someone has a level of conscious awareness, whether fully conscious or partially conscious, he is thinking.

January 10, 1989
Fluctuations in Brain Performance and Reversals of Fluctuation Patterns.
The fluctuations in the course of a day of the amplitude of brain wave activity in the frequency
range 15-18 hertz can be significant. Last summer, in an effort to sleep more calmly and controlled rather than restlessly, my brain had a higher amplitude in the 15-18 Hz frequency range during the night and it was low during the day.

At NOLS I tried to make my brain do well during the day as well as at night. But I could not make it perform superbly all the time. With my efforts to do well during the day, I no longer did well at night. I got an average of twelve hours of sleep a night , which compensated for the work I made my brain do during the day.

Now I am at Cal Poly, and my brain was doing well during the day and OK at night. Due to interruptions in the middle of sleep by a roommate, my sleep patterns are becoming messed up. I sleep very poorly and my brain does well only during the latter half of the day.

I am affected physically as well as mentally by messed-up sleep patterns. The parts of my body that I use the most in a coordinated manner are where my muscles twitch in a seizure. I use my hand a lot to write. My hand will have spasms and twitch when I go to sleep.

The way my sleep has been disturbed is that each night I go to bed around 10:30 P.M., and I am very tired after a long day. My roommate comes back at about 12:00 P.M. and he turns on the light. He may also have someone with him to whom he is talking. The light and any voices disturb my sleep. For a period of about an hour I am repeatedly awakened and fall back to sleep. I am never fully awake or asleep, and just at the right level of consciousness [arousal] to have a seizure. If I am really stressed out, my fingers and toes start twitching. My ankles and wrists may twitch.

Becoming left-brained and altering the way my brain functions through perceiving what it is doing is like subjecting myself to the habits of a child: lots of sleep, a feeling of innocence, and that I am discovering life. I am relearning all the things I learned as a child: how to eat, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, how to write. I am also aware of things that are normally involuntary: my breathing and controlling it, different thought processes, my brain's control of my immune system.

Having the ability to perceive how my brain is working, and constantly paying attention to it, burdens me. It is also necessary that I get good "concentrated" sleep, or I may not be able to take good readable notes in class. Whenever my effort towards maintaining good brain function slackens, my writing suffers. When I am done with classes for the day, and I relax and take a shopping trip at the bookstore, my signature is often not readable and only a squiggly line. If I had more concentrated brain function I would write my signature beautifully. My writing quality is directly related to how well my brain is working.

Changing the function of my brain I have found to be a very precarious undertaking. My body does all sorts of strange things if my brain does not maintain a concentrated, controlled mode of operation. If my dominance becomes at all shaky, I run into weird physical behavior and sensations.

On the night of February 5, 1989, I had a seizure in which my left brain was doing very well, and my right brain was having a seizure. When I had gone to bed, my left brain was doing well, but my right brain was hurting a little with a slight headache. I decided to go ahead and sleep since my left side was well. Shortly afterwards I slipped into a brief beginning of a seizure, and in a few seconds I was out of it. My left brain stopped the seizure promptly since it was doing so well and I felt strongly right-handed or left brain-dominant. Rather than being in a state of uncoordinated action and loss of motor control, I was actually doing well, and was very coordinated. I stood back up and tried to get back in bed. At first I walked around and I eventually made it back to bed. My roommate got up quickly when I yelled "Oh no" as I fell out of bed. He asked me if I was all right, and I responded "Why do you keep on asking me that!" in an annoyed tone of voice. My roommate then asked me what I was doing, and I wasn't sure, for I was in a sleepy trance-like state. I think he asked me a second time, and I said whatever came to mind, probably what I was dreaming: "I'm looking for my underwear", as I walked about a little. Being annoyed by my roommate talking to me, I went to my bed to get away from him. In the morning I awoke with a headache. I had no recollection of anything happening in the night. I noticed my sheets were all in knots, so I knew something happened. Maybe a seizure? Later in the day my roommate asked me how I was feeling, and I said "fine; why?" He said "You had a seizure last night." F. explained what happened, and it started to refresh some feelings I had of words and actions somewhere spoken in the last 12 hours. I remember today, very vaguely, some of the seizure.

From this experience I conclude that my brain is in one of two general states of awareness of the world when I have a seizure. One is a state of deeply perceiving and feeling the environment I am in. The second is a state of awareness of myself without much idea of what's going on around me.

The first state of awareness listed above has been the more common one in the past, but is worse than the second because of reduced motor control and ability to get myself out of the seizure. It is associated with seizures of both left and right brain, that is, seizures where both hemispheres are involved.

The second state of awareness, in which I am more aware of myself and of the present, I have more control. I usually get out of the seizure instantly, but can be left in a "sleepwalking" state of motor function. I have no concept of past or future, the world as I perceive it goes in and out of my mind with no recollection of past. I have almost no interpretation of my perceptions. From what my vision perceives I am aware only of the physical existence of the world but nothing beyond that. Other levels of interpretation that can be made at a subconscious state of awareness may occur. Interpretation of spoken words may occur, and I may respond to them.

Note: It may be startling to readers that Brian speaks so matter-of-factly seizures. First of all, seizures are a fact of life for most epileptics, whether or not they are on medication. 40% of cases of temporal lobe epilepsy still have seizures, even though the may be optimally medicated. Secondly, the level of awareness Brian has throughout the seizures makes them less threatening to him than they may appear to outside observers. The seizures are always at night, with only a single exception over the past several years (in physics lab, occasioned by lack of sleep). Moreover, they do not occur out of the blue. Brian is always aware when he is vulnerable to them.

One can argue that a higher level of medication might reduce the seizure incidence significantly. No one is better aware than Brian himself, however, of the cost/benefit ratio of such an increase in terms of his mental functioning. Not only was Brian unwilling to dull his brain to a greater extent, but he also felt it necessary to navigate the territory of his brain in order to learn what additional changes to make to increase his level of control. He would not be learning anything in a state of being zoned out by medication.

We as parents of course would have preferred less of a tight-rope act. When we made our feelings known, Brian would answer that he knew a lot more about his brain, and about the choices he was making, than we did. We simply were not in a position to advise him. We had to agree that his approach was a cautious one. Few undertake life with such a preoccupation with self-awareness and self-control as did Brian. We could hardly complain. In final analysis, it did not matter what we may have wished. Brian was clearly making his own decisions at his age.

The claim by Brian that he could abort his seizure may also seem incredible. However, this is also the common experience of epileptics. In Europe, systematic research is currently being conducted into behavioral strategies for preempting seizures. One of these studies was even sponsored by a Swiss drug company.

June 9, 1989
Today was the last day of classes for spring quarter. Next week is finals.
The quarter has gone well. I expect to get A's in all my classes except speech. I am surprised that I stand at the top of two of my classes. The biofeedback that I practiced on my right brain during Easter break helped me build resistance to seizures. I have not had any more seizures this quarter, despite many attempts by my former roommate and current roommate to induce one. He would create such disturbances as poking me, slamming a pillow on my head, flipping the light on and off constantly for a minute or more; calling and letting the phone ring for a long time, and hanging up when I answer.

Every night sleep has been a deep, well-rested sleep. Many times when going to bed at midnight to get up at 8:30 A.M., I did not get to sleep until three hours later due to the many disturbances, and to my desire to listen in on conversations in the other room concerning my roommate's anger towards me. Although awake, the body is at rest, and it is much better than sitting up wide awake.

Last quarter had started with seizures and changed into sleepwalking. This quarter has not seen any sleepwalking or seizure experiences.

Note: Brian came to Cal Poly in the middle of the school year. He did not have much choice in roommates. Those who lived without roommates at this point in the school year probably needed to live alone! We had been concerned from the start. When Brian moved into the room, the only evidence of any contact his roommate had with the English language was a Domino's Pizza menu. It did not look auspicious as an academic environment. We only heard about this harassment long after Brian had moved out.
Paranoia
Paranoia is still coming and going every week. One week this quarter, I was unusually paranoid for a whole week, and my roommate (F.J.) and I were not getting along.

Friday evening of that week, at dinner in the stalls, I made an attempt to make contact with someone at the same table. I caught his attention and held his interest. I spoke to him and soon we were having a nice conversation. I walked back with him to his room, where we talked about psychology and GOD and Christianity. Talking about Christianity, Jesus, GOD, and the words of the Bible took away my feelings of paranoia. I related my spiritual connection to nature to my connection to GOD. I related these two connections, and said they are both the same connection seen differently.
Spiritual vs. Physical
How is the spiritual world related to the physical? Do the spiritual and physical worlds overlap or not? Man still does not understand how these two worlds are connected, and even if they are. Because we do not really know, it is best to consider them separate. When man understands scientifically what gives a person with a body and brain consciousness, then we will be on our way to understanding this connection. In the spiritual world there is communication on a subconscious level between different consciousnesses.

My resistance to any seizures whatsoever this last quarter at Cal Poly, from April 3 to June 18, 1989, has been impressive. My roommate would allow people to stroll in and out of the room while I tried to sleep. When my prior roommate, F.A., would walk in, he attempted to startle me in hopes of provoking a seizure. F. was never successful, but still believed I had seizures when he was not around. I was usually awake when he attempted to cause me to have a seizure, and this meant being awake until four A.M. Only when there was harassment past this time did I ever get awakened from sleep.

During the night from 11:00 P.M. until 4:00 A.M., I stayed conscious, kept my eyes shut, and kept myself relaxed. This ability to stay relaxed under all circumstances is what has allowed me to resist seizures when people are trying to cause me to have one. I am kept conscious by a subtle alertness to what is going on.

Often there were conversations that went on in the other room about my roommate's dislikes towards me. I would listen to the words of my roommate as he spoke about me. I would have liked to write down his words about me, but I could not do that if I wished to be getting rest. So this subtle alertness was basically an awareness of who was speaking and what was being spoken, also to who was present in the room or in the neighboring room. The words spoken were usually not remembered. They went into my mind and were comprehended, and then went out unremembered.

Note: A residue of all of Brian's prior difficulties was that he would be likely to hold himself responsible for any offense that he may give to others. There was little sense of entitlement to be free from harassment by his roommate. Angry when she heard about what was going on, Sue told Brian in no uncertain terms: "Brian, you have a right not to be molested."
Artistic versus Analytical
Everyone talks of people being either artistic or analytical. Music, drama, sculpture, painting, are examples of such artistic disciplines. Math, and all sciences based in mathematics, are analytical disciplines. Many associate the analytical with the left brain, and the artistic with the right brain, and believe that people are either one or the other, but not both. Although the artist and the analytical seem to be far apart, they are actually much closer.

Mathematics and music have been said to be related, and so are many of the other creative disciplines listed above. Many disciplines that are artistic are also analytical; those that are analytical are artistic too. Drawing becomes more analytical when it is directed towards representation of the physical world: that is, observing the three-dimensional world and copying it to a two-dimensional representation of it. In drawing the physical world, one must analyze it. The artistic side of drawing is the imaginative side of it. Physics involves much analysis, especially when used in disciplines that apply it, like engineering, but when one looks at physics aesthetically, and opens up his imagination, one sees an artistic side to it all.

Everyone has both an artistic side and an analytical side to their minds, although many seem to see only one side or the other.

Note: Brian spent the summer months with us at home, while programming an Amiga Computer to interface to an IBM PC for EEG biofeedback training. The PC would be dedicated to the therapist, showing the EEG waveform, and the Amiga game computer would display the feedback signal in the form of a video game. The Amiga computer would replace a light box that presented the feedback signal in our first system.

June 25, 1989
Change of Diet
The quantity of Vitamin C I am eating at home is far less than what I ate at school. Less Vitamin C
has affected me more than I would imagine. Vitamin C makes my brain feel better just like Tegretol does. I just took some Vitamin C, and it made my head feel a lot better. My head was feeling like it was buzzed from some alcohol (NO alcohol consumed), and the Vitamin C eliminated this feeling, making me feel more aware, and clear in the mind.

July 3, 1989
The time is coming for me to leave home. Every day I sense that my father treats me like I can no longer be changed, taught, and whatever idiosyncrasies I have are here to stay. I feel like I do not belong at home, like I have been misplaced. I am with the wrong tribe.

Today we went to a fancy Chinese restaurant in Santa Barbara with Art Cota and Lois Boylen. One of the five trays was a seafood platter, and in the seafood platter there were some red peppers. I ate a little of one of the red peppers. My father then said, "He has too much confidence and too little sense." My mouth was soon burning hot and my eyes watered. I wanted to see how hot a red pepper feels when eaten straight. My confidence is certainly not too high, and my sense, well sometimes it may not be what it should be due to beliefs of "failure". Too much confidence is something I have encountered only a few times in life, but too little confidence is something I encounter every day.

July 4, 1989
I am home this summer because my family wants me to work in the family business. I have been a little reluctant to do it for several reasons: no pay, no experience of going through a job interview, and getting a real job. I have consented to do it only because I do believe in the success of this business, and I do feel like I should be a part of it. I also feel too much at home. Next year, to do something different, I should get a job elsewhere, like at San Luis Obispo. I will feel better there. Currently I feel sick of being dependent on my parents.

Yesterday I held and cuddled a twenty-year old Siamese cat. The interesting thing about the cat was its whine; it did not sound to like a "meeow", but like a little human baby crying. When I first heard the whine of this cat, I believed I actually heard a whining baby. The sound of the whine was on a vowel sounding like the "a" in "hat". The whine started sharply at a high volume and continuously declined in volume.

The time period of an average whine was about four or five seconds. The whine, once at its peak volume, decreases in volume fastest at the beginning of its decline, and its rate of decline slowly decreases. The pitch does not change as much but peaks at the same place as volume and has roughly the same shape. At any time, t, the slope of the pitch has the same sign as that of the volume. If the volume is decreasing, so is the pitch. If the volume is increasing, then the pitch increases. The variation in pitch is smaller than that of the volume; that is, it is usually bounded by the latter.

Evening of July 4th, 6:40 P.M.
I am sick of home, and sick of being in front of the computer. I need to get outside of this isolated cave with an Amiga computer. I need to get out to the city where I can meet people, women, and have a good time. Developing my communication skills is very important, and I need to start doing that now.

This afternoon that I spent at the park and the pier [in Santa Barbara] was a reminder to me that I need to get away from the isolation of my room. Subconsciously both my parents and I are aware that I do not fit in with them anymore. I need to go meet other people my age, fix up that bike and go explore L.A. People have a need to socialize, and I have spent too many years isolated from the social atmosphere.

Besides the fundamental need for others in your life, I do not fit with my parents because they condemn the goal of mine, to develop my communication skills, and the study of other languages. Their reason, I believe, is my poor grades in past years in subjects related to this endeavor. But if I have already made remarkable changes with the EEG Biofeedback, I do not see why further success is not possible. I believe in my ability to succeed, despite my parents' doubts, and I will continue to pursue my educational goals, perhaps without my parents.

10:30 A.M., Wednesday, July 5th '89
Last night, driving home, my father asked me if my driving permit was still good, and said I should practice if it is still good. So the picture does not look as bad as it seemed yesterday.

Today I will go to the gym (Nautilus Plus) to work out again. I will hook myself up to the EEG training instrument, and will talk to a psychologist who will be visiting the office.

2:30 P.M., Thursday, July 6 '89
Enlightenment
Unity with the world; being at one with the world; loving life because of the enjoyment of the experience; neither good nor bad, the experience is wonderful because it furthers my understanding of the world. My needs extend no further than my basic physical needs for water, air, food, and love. There is no right, or wrong; good or bad; life just is. I am the source of all my joy. Whatever the world thinks of me does not matter or affect my joy. I love nature, and nature loves me. I do not stand above everyone as superior, nor do I stand below as inferior; I just am. If someone asks my opinion where I stand, superior or inferior, I would say inferior, but I do not hold any such position.

Being at unity with the world, I can be whatever I wish. The world is plentiful, and all can be whatever they wish; the only requirement is your desire and motivation.

My life goal as I saw at an early age was to learn and understand how nature works, and to teach that to others. By nature I mean all sciences underlying how it works. I, of course, do not expect to fully understand nature, nor do I claim to be right. I am always open to others' ideas, and there is always more to learn.

What I have said thus far, explains my beliefs and goals in my early years up to age seven. But at that time my younger sister died. I could not understand why so many children teased me. My enlightened childhood was over. For more than a decade of time I lived miserably, and angry mostly towards myself because I realized that something had totally changed. My hate grew, and I contemplated suicide, although I never decided to attempt suicide. Some of my beliefs that I had held while young I continued to hold. My love in certain respects was still there.

Now, 13 years later, I am becoming enlightened once again. But it is slow and I am not completely there yet.

5:15 P.M., Thursday, July 6 '89
For this summer, I will be programming on the IBM PC [for the Amiga], playing the saxophone; going to Nautilus Plus for a weight workout four days a week; getting hooked up to the EEG biofeedback instrument several times, and I hope to practice driving again. I do not see much else happening. This occupies my time fully.

9:20 P.M., July 10th, Monday
Proper Sleep
Sleeping properly is essential to maintaining a good EEG. When one is tired, his EEG will not look as good as it normally does, and will be partially composed of more slow wave (or theta and delta) than would normally be so. When I go to bed I must still have mental energy left so that I can come to a relaxed focus with sufficient sensorimotor rhythm (SMR) [12-15Hz activity] in my EEG. Getting into this relaxed focus, I stay awake for at least a period of 15 minutes, but often am awake for an hour. The goal of the focus is to be aware of my body enough so that I eliminate the possibility of any unintentional movement. The goal also includes getting as much rest as possible, but that does not mean falling asleep. Being as relaxed as possible, often I have been awake for more than an hour, and on one occasion, with company in the room, I was awake for five hours. Despite this, I was still rested up after eight hours in bed. I use this method of sleeping mostly to prevent seizures. By doing this "relaxed focus" every night, I have been able to cope with people poking me, playing music, yelling, conversing, and partying beside my bed with no seizures.

Note: EEG activity is often analyzed in terms of different frequency bands. The Delta band is the lowest band of general interest, ranging from 1-3 Hz. Delta activity is normal during sleep. If it is prominent in the waking state, it usually implies problems in functioning, due possibly to head injury or other trauma. Theta frequencies are the next higher ones: 4-7 Hz. Excessive theta activity is association with learning disabilities, attention problems, and epilepsy. Normal theta is associated with drowsiness, as well as with a "free-running", perhaps creative brain. The next higher band is alpha, 8-12 Hz. This band is associated with relaxation, with tuning out of sensory awareness, such as by closing one's eyes. Above that is the beta band, ranging from 12-30 Hz. This band is associated with an alert and active brain. It is the state that is most difficult to achieve for most brain-injured or brain-disabled people. The beta band contains the frequency ranges of clinical interest: the sensorimotor rhythm (SMR) is associated with the 12-15 Hz band, and "beta training" refers to training in the 15-18 Hz sub-band. SMR is intimately connected with sleep, as well as with control of musculature. Hence, it is often used for training motor seizures. Beta training is used for cognitive deficits, as well as for seizure control and other benefits.

July 29, Friday, 9:20 P.M.
My sleep is becoming more relaxed every day, and my dreams are becoming ever more
vivid. Last night I dreamed I was living as a guest in a French household in France. The house was a three-story mansion, and the owner was a lawyer. There were several women prostitutes in the house. The house appeared to me to be more like an apartment with many public facilities (public only to those that have a room in the mansion). There were several jacuzzis in the mansion; each was unique with its own spiritual feeling surrounding it. The mansion was full of idols, giving it spiritual diversity. Although the house remained structurally the same, with few exceptions, going up and down the staircase, the shamans, gurus, and other spiritual leaders would be totally different each time I arrived on the third floor.

The three floors of the mansion each were very different. The top floor was the spiritual world with shamans, gurus, and other spiritual leaders. The second floor was "love and passion"; all leisure activities were on this floor. On the bottom floor were the serious and scientifically minded people.

I was almost always on the second and third floors. I would alternate back and forth between them; going to the other when the one had become boring. Only when a prostitute woman, to whom I was attracted and was having a conversation with, went to the first floor did I follow and arrive on the first floor.
On Muscle Control and Prevention of Joint Cracking
Every area of my body experiences cracking of joints, and when under tension, twitching of muscles. To prevent both twitching and cracking one must have an awareness of his body. I have noticed that to have control of a particular muscle, I must have control of its opposite. To prevent cracking of joints, I must be aware of several muscles surrounding that joint.

Muscles twitch when they are expanding from a contracted position, but not being stretched. If my leg is fully extended, my quadriceps on the leg are fully contracted, and as I bend it back to a 90 degree angle at the knee it may twitch if I am not sufficiently aware of my hamstrings. By activating the hamstrings through an awareness of them, I cause the opposite muscles, the quadriceps, to relax.

My chest (in the middle near the sternum) or abdominal muscles may twitch when reclining from sit-ups during exercises. This can be prevented by being more aware of muscles in the lower, middle back, causing abdominal muscles and chest muscles to relax. To prevent joint cracking, I must be aware of several different muscle pairs. It is generally a subset of all muscles surrounding the joint depending on the direction of movement.

Thursday, 11:00 P.M., August 17 '89
I am impressed by the correlation between what I visualize and what is communicated when practicing spiritual communication. What is communicated is dependent on how deeply everything was visualized. There exists no way to scientifically or objectively prove this, so I will make no such attempt to prove it. But the fact that this practice has never failed for me leads me to conclude that somehow my thoughts are perceived by the other person. Much of what I have experienced is inexplicable in physical terms. Therefore I regard this world of communication, ESP, and other spiritual communication as separate from the physical world.

In a session with a group, we paired up, and each pair sat facing the other with legs crossed. The hands were held up, with the palms of one person against the palms of the other person, lightly making contact, not forceful. One person was a sender, the other a receiver. The sender and receiver both relaxed deeply, and blanked their minds before starting. Once both were relaxed, the sender started to deeply visualize some place or event. The receiver continued to maintain a blank mind. The receiver was expected to from time to time have something (thought) pop into his mind. The thought or image would hope fully be recollected later, but meanwhile he would blank his mind of any thoughts. The sender would give a gift before ending. There were five pairs of people during this practice, and communications were often transmitted to other receivers than the intended one.

During one visualization in which I was the sender, and my partner the receiver, I deeply visualized snow country in forested mountains, like that of the Teton mountains in Wyoming, where I had been with NOLS. I visualized myself moving over the snow through pine trees, over rolling hills. I then visualized myself on the top of some peak, seeing for hundreds of miles in every direction. During this visualization, the sense of moving over mountains--up and down-was more deeply visualized than the snow itself that transported me. I strongly recognized the trees that were around me, and the fact that it was cold, but the snow that surrounded me was not well recognized.

My partner had a vision of mountains with pine trees, and of moving over them. She had no concept that snow was part of it, or that I was pulling a sled, and that I had skis.

As a gift I thought so long of something organic, about the size of a baseball, but I wasn't sure what. Finally I gave her a rock, and with no visualization of the rock, or only a little. She received a pine cone. I only briefly thought of a pine cone. But I thought at length of some unknown object about the size of a baseball, and organic, and beautiful. The object was never defined in my mind, until I decided to forget that picture and give a stone.

The communication at all times corresponded to what I visualized, and not to what I actually thought about on an intellectual level.

12:30 A.M., August 18, Friday morning
I have become so acutely aware of my mood. But I am not very aware of my expression on my face. During my first year with EEG Biofeedback, I was for the first time happy. I smiled all the time so as to feel good. It was all for personal pleasure, but people understood it to mean I was glad to see them. I was really not at all aware of them, and if interrupted, I frowned. My habit has changed. Now trying to be more relaxed, I tend not to raise my eyebrows as is natural when smiling. I smile but relax the eyebrows, and people think I am giving them an insincere smile. People smile insincerely back at me. I am conscious of my own expression 50% by how people respond to it. Eventually the time will come when I do not need to make faces for personal benefit, and my expression will reflect what I feel towards the world.

Breathing, 8/18/89, 11:00 A.M., Saturday
Breathing affects many aspects of physical behavior, and coordination. When practicing stalking, walking so slowly that movement is not discernible, with one step every two minutes, my balance and coordination is dependent on my focus on proper breathing. When eating, if I breathe properly, it is natural that I do not inhale my food. But if I expand my chest when I inhale, moving my shoulders up and down as I breathe, there is a tendency to inhale the food. When doing EEG Biofeedback or practicing relaxation, breathing plays the largest role in making everything work. In books on the subject of Ninjitzu, breathing properly is stressed very highly.

While walking in darkness, with eyes closed, to the beat of a drum with one beat per minute, my balance corresponded directly to my awareness of both my center of gravity and my breathing. Both my breathing and my center of gravity felt strongly bound like a unit and were both equally important in maintaining balance. Breathing inflates the body and modifies its form. One must be aware of his breathing or else the change in form caused by inhaling will make him lose his balance. To breathe only in the abdomen is better because the modification in body form is reduced. The smaller the change is, the less the body needs to move to compensate for the change. Breathing in the chest also results in a higher center of gravity than breathing in the abdomen.

In myself and others, proper breathing is a key part of making the EEG instrument work when doing biofeedback. A Highland Hill student said, "It is all breathing," when I asked him how he kept the light on.

Breathing both induces and suppresses epileptic seizures. My first epileptic seizure was caused by holding my breath. All other seizures I have had started with hyperventilation. Calm, relaxed breathing suppresses risk of seizure. Hyperventilation is the first sign of a seizure. Hyperventilation goes along with emotional excitement. When there is hyperventilation and emotional excitement a seizure is almost certain to occur, unless the emotional excitement is suppressed. But if the hyperventilation is deliberate, and not emotionally induced, then I am calm emotionally and a seizure is not apt to occur.

8/19/89, 12:50 P.M., Saturday afternoon.
Sitting in front of the computer is both physically and mentally bad for me. I may possibly change the bad mental effects, but the physical effects are less likely to change. When I sit for long periods of time in front of the computer, my coordination and body awareness disappear, and more joint cracking and discomfort results. The mental focus I have on the computer tends to lead me into my old ways of thinking, and my EEG gets worse. I often find after spending time on the computer that I am more moody, and may have somewhat of a headache.

8/31/89, Thursday, 9:30 P.M. - Beliefs & Values, what are they?
Who am I? What are my beliefs and values? My life is an on-going re-structuring of beliefs, values, and sleeping patterns. Sleeping patterns were the first screwed up thing to cause me to have epilepsy. Restructuring of beliefs and values is a result of a change of brain dominance: my left brain is now the dominant side of my brain. My personality may change any time. It changes every time I have a seizure. I want to throw away the set of values I have now, and get a better one; the real one that was originally me. Most people's brains are more stable and don't come out with different personalities from day to day.

Over the years of childhood I have developed only bad beliefs and values. The only values to keep are the ones that are innate. My parents have only caused me to have bad beliefs. I must clear my mind of all these beliefs and values that have accumulated and start with my original and good beliefs. The experience is all there to quickly build the next set. But it will not be too quick. The real barrier is not developing the new beliefs, but discarding the old ones.

When I was only six years old my mind was free of all this stuff that clutters my brain and dominates my life. It is my intention to free my mind of this stuff. The biggest factor to this whole glob of stuff cluttering my brain and beliefs is the belief that people are angry at me, and wish to hurt me. This belief is simply an assumption that "when people look at me they must be annoyed or angry since there is no way they could be glad to see me." This belief (developed at age 8), and other beliefs acquired later, I intend to empty my mind of them.

8/31/89, Thursday, 11:30 P.M.
The effect of hitting my head [at Raging Waters] has been interesting but unpleasant. My EEG still has a lot of the beta frequency it had before, but there is also a lot of delta frequency present. The delta peak is enormous, and stands 20 times higher (at least) than the next highest peak in the low alpha region. On other days the delta seems to be the only thing in my brain. My left brain is currently dominated by delta, but my right is dominated by alpha.

9/1/89, Friday, 10:20 P.M.
The quality of my writing is closely related to my EEG, or how well certain areas of my brain are functioning. It is a frequent occurrence, but a strange one, to see my signature and writing change form so that it looks like another person's writing. The way I am currently writing is the way I hope I will always write. The other way is hardly readable.

This evening I heard my father saying that writing is not taught as much in school as it should be. He believes this because of how awful, or difficult to read, my brother's writing is. I wish to add that I believe Kurt's writing could become better if he worked on the EEG machine some. I also know that this biofeedback has helped others with their writing.

September 6, 1989
Computers? Frustration! Today I had the most frustrating time I have ever had trying to make a direct [serial] connection between an Amiga 500 and an IBM PC. For some odd reason there has been no transfer from the IBM to the Amiga. (Transfer from Amiga to IBM was not done, and was not a part of the communication task).

Communication (one way) did not even exist until later around noon, after a few hours of testing. We hooked up a null-modem as part of the line connecting the computers. The line was checked with the oscilloscope. We checked each pin of 25 total, and none of them responded to a key being pressed. There are still problems with the communication, but I am glad that we got something working.

Faculties of left and right hands. - 9/6/89, Thursday
There are many factors that affect my brain chemistry and function every day; beliefs and the faculties of both hands are two factors I have been observing. There are two distinct types of faculties that often appear in separate hands, and especially for left-handed people. There is large scale manual function, like throwing a ball, swinging a hammer or bat, or punching with a fist. There is small scale or fine manual function of writing with a pen, or accurately placing the nail to hit with the hammer. For some people these two faculties are not in the same hand. Many left-handed people throw a ball with their right hand, while writing with their left. My father writes with his right hand and plays tennis with his left. But he is also very ambidextrous, and can throw with either hand.

When I chose to write with my left hand I felt like throwing a ball with my right. I have switched to being right-handed, and I am finding that I now feel like using my left for throwing a ball.

Initially, when switching to right-handedness, I tried to do everything with my right. As a result, my brain started to feel out of balance, and my right brain was all upset because I ignored it too much. My left brain, meanwhile, was doing well, better than usual, except for a bad influence by the right brain.

By becoming aware of a split function of left and right hands, my brain felt more in balance. As my right hand develops more accuracy at fine work like writing, my left simultaneously feels more adapted to large-scale manual function. My hand remains poor at writing as long as my brain has this idea that either hand can be used for fine work.

Diary to be continued.